One of the things I hear again and again from late-discovered AuDHD women is this: “I want connection so badly… but I also find people exhausting.”
It’s a contradiction that can feel incredibly confusing, particularly for women discovering ADHD and autism in midlife, often during perimenopause or menopause, when coping strategies and masking can begin to unravel.
For years, many of us struggle to understand why we can simultaneously feel lonely and overwhelmed by social interaction. Why we might crave connection, conversation and belonging one moment, then need complete solitude the next. But this push-pull experience is actually something many AuDHD women relate to deeply.
When ADHD and autism exist together, there can often be competing neurological needs happening at the same time. The ADHD side may crave novelty, stimulation, dopamine, spontaneity and emotional connection. It may enjoy people, conversation, shared experiences and the excitement that comes with something new.
At the very same time, the autistic side may be monitoring sensory input, analysing social interactions, trying to predict expectations, managing overwhelm and quietly calculating how much recovery will be needed afterwards.
For many neurodivergent women, especially those who are late-discovered, socialising can therefore become both rewarding and exhausting at the same time. We may genuinely want to spend time with people, only to feel completely depleted afterwards.
We may look forward to an event, then spend the entire following day in recovery from the sensory overload, masking and social fatigue. We may feel disconnected and lonely, while simultaneously avoiding messages because our nervous systems simply cannot tolerate more input.
This is one of the reasons why late-discovered AuDHD can feel so emotionally complex. Many women spend years trying to work out who they “really” are, without realising that both experiences can be true at once. And I think this is where outdated ideas around autism and social motivation can become harmful.
Autistic people are often described as lacking interest in social connection, but that has never fully reflected the experience of many neurodivergent women I work with – or my own experience. I don’t believe most AuDHD people lack the need for belonging.
I think many of us have simply experienced social connection as something that comes with a very high emotional, cognitive and sensory cost.
Years of masking autism and ADHD can leave people exhausted. Many neurodivergent women become experts in monitoring themselves, analysing conversations afterwards, suppressing stims, trying to appear “normal”, navigating rejection sensitivity and coping with environments that constantly push the nervous system beyond capacity.
Eventually, the brain and body begin trying to protect us from the very thing we still long for. And this can become even more pronounced during menopause and perimenopause, when hormonal changes can affect emotional regulation, sensory sensitivity, social tolerance and overall nervous system resilience.
What I find particularly interesting is that many late-discovered AuDHD women describe finding neurodivergent community as both emotional and relieving. Not because everything suddenly becomes easy, but because there is often less translating, masking and pressure to perform neurotypicality. There is room to simply exist as yourself, to cancel plans without shame, to communicate differently, to need quiet, to stim and say, “I’m overwhelmed,” without feeling dramatic or difficult.
For many of us, healing is not about becoming “more social”. It is about finding safer, more sustainable and more authentic ways of connecting. Connection that works with our nervous systems rather than against them.
And perhaps that is the balance so many AuDHD women are really searching for – not choosing between solitude and connection, but finally giving ourselves permission to need both.